Saturday, June 09, 2007

Beautiful life and miserable me

02:09 here in Lithuania. 9th of June. It's about time to write my essay for MIT, even though I don't know the topic on which the essay should be written. But still, I'm just going to write my personal thoughts at this time.
So half an hour ago I went to bed, I was too sleepy to work on one of my web projects. So here I'm lying in the bed and don't feel sleepy anymore. Now I feel miserable. I'm actually a big slacker. I had to present my project few weeks ago and I haven't been online on my Skype account since then. I don't know what to say to my customer. Maybe "I'm just a kid"? But he doesn't care if I'm a kid or a pensioner as long as I do my job. And I haven't done it yet. Lack of experience? Maybe. Lack of time? Hell, no. Lack of discipline? Bull's eye. I'm not disciplined young man who thinks he wants to spend his life in front of a computer typing some crazy commands like "mysql_query("SELECT * FROM users WHERE id = '".$id."');", or maybe soldering some chips on a soldering board, or maybe even be a cryptanalyst who knows math better than anyone else in the world and can easily generate an MD5 hash in his head. Yeah, I'm dreaming. It's night an I should be dreaming. And I feel really miserable because I can't achieve my dreams not because I'm not smart enough, but because I don't work enough. So… half an hour ago(now it's 40 minutes ago) I was lying in bed thinking why am I so undisciplined. And I couldn't find the answer. But I just took My PowerBook, opened it, found a book on assembly language and started reading it. I don't know the number of this book about assembly that I have read. But I usually stop reading until 50th page of the book(current book contains >500 pages). So I know all the beginning, assembly is the low level language, high level programming languages need to be compiled to assembly and stuff like that. So I just need to read a book, test it, understand it and go further. I don't know how to achieve that and how to keep working. I'm just going to try to do that.

P.S. He who reads this blog might remember me saying to have 3,18GB of ebooks(it's just 2 posts lower), so it's false. I burnt a DVD with those ebooks because I needed some hard drive space to mount a video. And you know what, Acme DVD's failed me. All my 3,18GB's of books are gone now. But I can't mention this thing, that the same day I lost my ebooks I went to one torrent portal, which is famous enough and I don't need to mention it, and I started downloading to sets of ebooks, both beign near 5GB's. So now I have about 10GB's of Ebooks most of which are about math and physics(5GB's of each).

P.P.S. While I was not posting in my blog, I graduated from music school. If anyone's interested, here are my marks (there was an exam for each):
Accordion(major): 8
Musical writing: 9
Accordion ensemble(I was in it in 3rd grade): 9
Folk ensemble(I was in it for 3 years in grades 3,4 and 5): 10
Music history: 10

P.P.P.S. I had my SAT Subject tests in math and physics a week ago. The results are comming on 21st of June. If I somehow manage to get more than 750 in both of them, then I'll probably not gonna retake them. But it's hard to guess as I didn't prepare much, just did a few sample tests from College Board study guide that I got months ago, and I got 710 for Math 2, and 720 for Physics.

That's the end of P.S'es. I promise to blog more often so I wouldn't need to P.S. that much.

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